I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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