i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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