I wish my penis had an off switch
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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