false alarm. still invincible.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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