The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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