i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
