mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
