you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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