There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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