Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
