Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
