I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
