Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
