i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
