I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
