true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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