Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
