I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
