Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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