Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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