That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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