Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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