the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
