About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
