Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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