Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
