im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I pour the whiskey from now on
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
