Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
