did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You need Xanax blowdarts
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
