Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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