I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
