After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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