Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
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