I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
