And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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