my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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