Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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