So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
