I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
