can we get nightvision for the apartment?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
