dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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