just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
