not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
