Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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