i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
