You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hello my rib-scented angel!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
