I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
