I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Never underestimate the power of titties
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
