Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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