If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
And my parents said I crawled through the house
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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