I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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