I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
